when a pet passes away: a pet sitter perspective

One of the most difficult parts of being a pet sitter is when a client's pet passes away. Over the course of my pet sitting career, I've had to experience this more times than I'd like. Only once has it actually happened in my arms. A handful of times I've let my client know that it might be time when it was too hard for them to let go. But, mostly, the pets I care for pass peacefully with their families. This has happened more than once over the last couple of weeks, and I must say that my heart is breaking. 

When a Pet Passes Away: A Pet Sitter Perspective

I always say that my greatest qualification as a pet sitter is my love of animals. Sure, it takes a lot more than that to be a professional, but if love doesn't motivate one to do a stellar job, I'm not sure what will. You can't learn to love animals. It's just in you or it isn't. 

So each time a pet I've cared for passes, a little bit of my heart goes with him or her. I've spent quality time with these magnificent creatures. We've bonded and shared love. They come to depend on me in their owners' absences, and I depend on them because they deliver the best part of my job. They deliver the joy that makes me love what I do for a living.

Since we're a small family business, my children sometimes come with me on pet sitting visits, so they, too, become bonded with the pets we care for. These past couple of weeks have been really rough on them, too. Though they have now had quite extensive experience in pet loss at such a young age, it still hits them hard every time. 

My clients understand the love we have for their animals, and they usually keep me updated if their pets have a serious health issue, even if we aren't caring for them at the time. The humans who hire us understand and appreciate the bonds we share with their pets. We are so grateful that they take us into consideration. The fact that they are dealing with difficult decisions and sadness but still take the time to keep us in the loop is amazing.

A couple of weeks ago, I received a text from my client, Liz.* She let me know that their mixed shepherd, Clayton, had taken a turn for the worse. Over the past several months, I'd been taking care of Clayton as the family traveled, giving him supplements, medication, and special food, and keeping an eye on his overall health as he battled an insulinoma (cancer of the pancreas). I helped care for him after surgery, and the family and I were in regular communication about his condition, even when they weren't traveling. 

Clayton, circa 2007, at the Maricopa Mutt March, a community event I co-founded.

Clayton and his family will always hold a special place in my heart. They became clients of mine when Clayton was just a puppy, soon after I moved to Arizona and opened my pet sitting business ten years ago. Their family gave me a sweet little Dalmatian stuffed animal for my son, Porter, when I was pregnant with him...something he still cherishes. After a couple of years, they moved out of my service area, then we moved a couple of times, then they moved again, and just a few months ago, I got an email from Liz..."remember us?" They were back in my service area, and I was reunited with Clayton. To say that these people and this dog are special to me would be an understatement. 

A couple of weeks ago, when Liz let me know that Clayton had taken a turn for the worse and that the veterinarian was running some tests over the weekend, it didn't sound good, but we hoped for the best.

Come Monday morning, I received a text from Liz letting me know that the cancer had spread to Clayton's bones and had made them so brittle that they could break at the slightest pressure. If that happened, the bones could not heal, and he would be in a great deal of pain. There was nothing more to do. There was really only one choice to make. Liz let me know that the vet would come to their home that evening at 7:00 PM. 

Campbell took the news about Clayton particularly hard. Our dog, N.A.S.H.A., tried to comfort her.

I thought about Clayton and his family all day and watched the clock. I broke the news to my children, and they were devastated. We'd spent a lot of time with Clayton over this past summer, and they had really bonded with him, too. As the clock struck 7:00 PM, we stopped what we were doing, had a group hug and a moment of silence for Clayton. 

About an hour later, I received a text from Damon, Liz's husband, letting me know that Clayton had passed peacefully.

Over the next few days, I exchanged quite personal text messages with Liz and Damon. They sent me a picture of Clayton enjoying the back yard just a few hours before he passed. Their family was struggling, and so was ours. I tried my best to support them. After all, it was their dog. Even so, they somehow understood our deep loss, as well, and considered our feelings. They even offered for my children to choose one of Clayton's toys as a keepsake, as her children had. This was truly a remarkable relationship. 

A couple of days ago, a card came in the mail. It was addressed to the "Junior Pet Sitters." 

The thoughtful message to my Junior Pet Sitters.

The kids smiled and got a little teary, as did I. Included inside was a gift card for them to get some ice cream. That made them smile, and–I think–made us all feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Times are sad, but we can always find joy. And what better joy than ice cream, right? I plan to take the kids for ice cream this week and use it as a time to remember all of the things we loved about Clayton. 

I couldn't be more thankful to have these people, and to have had this dog, in our lives. Bonds like this go beyond the "business" of pet sitting. 

I am looking forward to the day when the Ashcraft family brings a new dog into their lives. They are remarkable pet parents, and I have confidence that our partnership in pet care is far from over. It may take some time, but we'll be here when they are ready. 

R.I.P., Clayton. You will always have a piece of our hearts.

Junior Pet Sitter Porter enjoying cuddles from Clayton.

Clayton and I liked to cuddle.

The many moods of a morning walk with Clayton.

Clayton enjoys a good brushing from Junior Pet Sitter Campbell.

Smooshing in for a selfie.

*All names are typically changed in the interest of client anonymity, but I have been given special permission from my clients, in this case, to use their real names. I wanted to honor them properly.

helping your child cope with the death of a family pet

understanding death

It is often difficult for children to understand death, so their first experience with it can be a confusing time. It often occurs when a beloved family pet passes, perhaps a dog or cat, or maybe a fish or hamster. It's often difficult for us, as parents, to guide our children through this difficult time as they navigate new and uncontrolled emotions. How we handle it may depend on our religious and spiritual beliefs, but the general themes and questions are common when we have to help our children cope with the death of a family pet.

If the pet's death is sudden and unexpected, we don't have a lot of time to think about it before discussing it with our children. If our pet is on a slow decline, it can be even more difficult, believe it or not. Depending on the age and personality of the child, you may wish to discuss what is happening to the pet with the child so that they can understand and be prepared, or you may wish to shield him or her. I'm an advocate for being open and honest whenever possible, but there are occasions where the child may be too young to understand or too sensitive to deal with the sadness that comes from the anticipation of the situation. There is no right or wrong answer–only what is right for your family.

how to help your child grieve

Children are often unsure about how to navigate the emotional maze of dealing with death. Regardless of what we say, specifically, which will largely be based in our belief system, there are some things we can all consider. 

It's okay for them to be sad. Let them cry. And cry again. Over and over. Even if it's just a goldfish, the death of a pet is a very sad time, especially for children, who assign pets roles specific and powerful. Remember that your child may feel she is losing her companion, family member, and best friend. Be there to comfort and hold your child and let them know that though there will will always be a special place in the heart for their pet, their heart will feel better with time. 

It's okay for you to be sad. Don't be afraid of letting your child see you cry. Sadness is a human thing, not just a kid thing, and though you need to be strong for your child and not go off the rails, crying and showing outward signs of grief are healthy for you as well as your child, and it's healthy for children to know that their parents are sad, too. You don't have to be a rock.

It's okay for them to be happy. Though unlikely (and inappropriate) that your child will be happy about the pet's death, it's okay to be happy at times during the grieving process. The body and mind need a break, so take your child to the park or out for ice cream or let them have a friend over to play. A little laughter and happiness during a difficult time can be healing.

It's okay for them to be angry. Your child may be angry at the pet for dying. Your child may be angry at you for "letting the pet die." Your child may be angry at the veterinarian for not saving your pet. Though you can explain that everyone did their best, know that feelings of anger can be a natural part of the grieving process for some children.

Alleviate any guilt your child feels. Your child may wonder if he or she did something wrong, or if they could have done something differently to help the situation. He may recall the time he yelled at the dog for chewing up his homework, or she may think about the time she forgot to feed the hamster for a day. Let your child know that death is a part of life and that guilt should not have a place in the grieving process. That being said, don't shut your child down if he or she wants to discuss these memories. 

Talk, talk, talk, and let them ask questions. Though it's okay to give your child some space if they want it, talk about the pet's death as much as your child would like. Encourage them to ask questions about what happened to the pet and speak the truth as much as possible. You'll know the level of detail to share based on your child. Your child may ask the same question over and over, and that's okay, too. You can answer it over and over. There may be comfort in that for your child. 

You may not have all of the answers, and that's okay. It's okay to say "I don't know." You may not know exactly why the pet died or how the pet felt. It's okay to say "I don't know," if your child has a question you can't answer. 

Don't lie. I believe in honesty, especially when it comes to speaking to our children. You don't need to spell out all of the gory details, if they apply, but you can avoid taking the discussion to that level while still maintaining integrity and being honest. Our children deserve the best we have to offer, especially in difficult situations, and, to me, that means being truthful. 

Consider your family beliefs and incorporate them into the conversation. Your family's faith and spirituality can be a powerful source of explanation and comfort during this difficult time. How you handle it is up to you, but in order to instill open-mindedness and acceptance of others for the future, I choose to tell my children "I believe XYZ, but others believe differently, and that's okay. No one knows for sure, so we can all choose what we want to believe. Isn't that amazing?" I feel that this approach is important, because I don't want my children getting into religious debates with friends on the playground. Everyone is entitled to their own set of beliefs. I even go so far as to tell my children that if they believe differently than I do, that's okay. Of course, you will need to draw from your own personal beliefs and principles when handling these types of conversations. Draw positivity and strength, regardless. 

Let your child tell their friends and seek support from peers. Chatting with peers and having an independent voice about the loss can be very comforting. Your child's friends may have experience with the death of a pet and can lend a sympathetic ear. The more your child talks about it, the faster he will heal. 

Your child may become worried about himself others dying. A child's first experience with death can be profound. It is common for children to feel insecure about the longevity of other pets in the house, their family and friends, or even themselves. It's important to discuss these matters with your child in whatever way you see fit. My father always told me "nobody ever gets out of this life alive." Though it may sound harsh, it was oddly comforting to me, and it was honest. Think about what you might say to your child if he or she becomes preoccupied with death.

Create a tangible memory in dedication to the pet. Though there is not usually a formal memorial service for a pet, you can honor the deceased in creative and positive ways with your child. This can help provide closure and can be comforting.  Some suggestions:

• Take a walk with your family on the regular route you walked your dog. Talk about the dog and share funny stories and memories. You can even take along some sidewalk chalk and draw memorial words and pictures together along the route.

• Allow your child to paint a picture of the pet. Frame it and hang it in a place of honor in the house.

• Print pictures of the pet and allow your child to create a collage to hang in his or her room.

• Work with your child to create a digital slide show set to music in honor of the pet.

• Have your child write and illustrate a book about the pet and have it printed as a keepsake.

• Make a stepping stone for the garden in honor of the pet.

• Have a celebration of life party for the pet. Make a special meal to have as a family and talk about the pet over dinner.

There is no timetable on grief. Remember that every child will grieve differently. Your child may seem to go on as if nothing happened, or she may be down in the dumps for weeks or longer. Allow your child the time they need to process the death and grieve.

The death of a pet is a profound time in your child's life. It's personal. It's heartbreaking. But remember that it's also a time of growth. It's an opportunity for your child to gain valuable life experience and grow and come to know him or herself as a person. It's also a time to bond with your child and get to know each other better. 

I believe that out of every negative comes something positive. 

Grow. Live. Love and appreciate every day. And miss your pet. It's okay. 

a personal side note

Since death is such an intimate matter, and you may wonder how I am qualified to speak about it, I wanted to share a bit of my personal story with you.

As a young child, I dealt with the death of a beloved dog and cat, Linus and Woody, a rabbit named Ernie, and too many fish to name. The greatest blow was when my mother passed away when I was eight years old. My family–as all families do–did a lot of good during those difficult times and also made some mistakes. We all make mistakes.

As a mother and professional pet sitter, our family has dealt not only with the deaths of some of our own pets, but the deaths of many clients' pets who we have grown to love (my children often accompany me on pet sitting visits). On one horrifying occasion, a client's pet died of natural causes in my arms as my children looked on. 

Every situation is different. Every family's set of beliefs is different. I hope this article brings you some source of comfort if you are going through this presently. If you are reading this in preparation, I wish you the best in the inevitable journey ahead. 

DISCLAIMER: I am not a mental health professional. I speak only from personal experience. If you or your child suffers debilitating psychological symptoms following the death of a pet or other difficult circumstance, please seek professional help immediately.

This article, written by me, originally appeared on Brie Brie Blooms and is reposted here with minor changes with permission.

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How has your family dealt with the loss of a pet? Please share your story so others can learn. 

i can't process this death

I don't even know where to start. 

This has never happened to me.

I got a call from a client this afternoon, and it was the worst news ever.

I saw her two cats yesterday and for the two days prior. 

"Kristen, it's Ann*. We just got home a bit ago. When we got home, we found Princess dead."

Ann was kind as can be. Not accusatory in any way. Perfectly respectful. I'd left her a note yesterday talking about how great the cats were...how much love they got. Princess was affectionate, as always. I saw her eat and drink and use the litter box. I left her purring on Sunday. I've taken care of her several times...I know her well.

Ann just simply wondered if I'd noticed anything different about Princess. I told her that I would, of course, have called her had I noticed anything amiss. She said she knew I would have, but just had to double-check. I was crying. I didn't understand.

I don't understand.

I just saw this cat less than 24 hours ago, and she was perfectly fine. Now she's...dead? This doesn't make sense. I can't process this.

I loved this cat. I left her fine. And her parents come home to find her suddenly dead?

I wish I had better words. I don't know what to do or how to be right now.

*Names have been changed in the interest of privacy for my clients.

the moment of truth: deciding about euthanasia

The other night I had a conversation with a dear, lifelong friend. She sought my opinion and advice about her impending decision about when to euthanize her dog, who suffers from a terminal heart condition. This decision is the ultimate terror for any pet parent. I believe all of us would rather our pet just pass peacefully in his sleep and spare us the misery of choosing the proper time. The right time. The best time.

Each situation is unique in terms of the pet and the owner. There is the physical status of the pet and the emotional condition of the owner. And, though we don't want to expose the elephant in the room, there is the financial aspect, as well. I believe that all three issues must be taken into consideration, with the pet's comfort and quality of life being the absolute number one consideration.

I have helped several clients and friends through this difficult time, and the hardest situation is when the owner can't let go and lets the pet suffer. I have only witnessed this a couple of times and was able to gently guide things in what I considered to be the direction in the best interest of the pet.

When evaluating the physical condition of the pet and deciding when to make the final call, I truly believe in the "you'll know" philosophy. You know your pet best. If they aren't themselves and can't enjoy life, you'll see that. There is a difference between a pet who is slowing down and a pet who is in pain and can't function. The connection between you and your pet can't be denied, and your pet will be able to communicate to you in some way. You'll be in tune to that, and you'll do the right thing, even though it's hard.

Your emotional state is very important, though secondary to your pet's needs. When we become pet parents, we have to know that eventually we will likely be called upon to make this decision. No matter what, there will be some degree of guilt...Did I wait too long? Did I do it too soon? Did I do enough? You have to know that you have done the best you can for your pet. Your pet knows that. Your pet knows your love. Your pet knows. Though the last moment we have with our pets is usually heartbreaking, it's hopefully peaceful, and we should walk away remembering not just that moment, but all the wonderful times, which made up the majority of your time together.

And then there's the money. Having a pet with a long-term disease or issue can often be costly, and the decisions we have to make regarding what to do and the extent to go to can be financially agonizing, which only adds to our guilt. Even if you have all the money in the world, some tests and procedures can be invasive, stressful, and even painful for your pet. Regardless of cost, you have to evaluate the likelihood that it will make a difference. If you can afford something and it's minimally invasive to a declining pet, then go for it. But spending any amount of money on something that is very unlikely to make a difference, especially if it is invasive, just doesn't make sense for you or your pet. I have seen people spend thousands of dollars for an invasive procedure that had little chance of bettering the quality of their pet's life. It can certainly make you feel that you've done absolutely everything. That helps your emotions in the moment, but it doesn't help your pet. And it doesn't help your pocketbook to consent to unnecessary procedures. If you have a quality veterinarian (that you've hopefully built a relationship with), they will help guide you through the process. Most have you're pet's best interests at heart.

Your pet's quality of life is the number one priority. When we sign up to be pet parents, we commit to making the best decision for those in our care. Finances must also be considered, as well as our own emotions. This time in your pet's life is, without question, the most difficult. Trust your instincts, and move forward with confidence. The love and unbreakable bond will be there, no matter what.